random road thoughts – april

April 2009

there is peace in love. in loving all of it. in loving failure. in loving each other.
i have always intended to move towards knowing. towards wisdom. towards love, as arduous as it feels. i wandered. brave enough to look into the green eyed ocean. all i could see was fear. i wondered how long it had taken. when was the last of light beaten out and what was this rancid plane that burned my nostrils. I wondered why i hadn’t received a shut off notice, like the electric company encloses in that cheery pink envelope. that would’ve been nice.

finney says i think too much.
i get to caring deeply.
sometimes i long to wade like the shallow dwellers, consuming and feeling full, bellies stretched tight like a descending parachute.
consumption gifts my belly an ache at best.

romantic notion of living. of experience. of light. of love.

long walks protected in the old trees. barefoot travel. broken in pillowcases.
your hands.

there is wholeness in this momentum back forward toward the getting used to.

this tornado loves you…

i think sometimes loneliness becomes an identity for me. the pride of independence and the falsehood of projecting a satisfaction in it. i honestly don’t think i’m fooling anyone. if so, most likely myself. i talk myself out of dreaming and convince myself that the ache of loss is just a sort of penance for the haphazard enthusiasms of my youth. reveling in the bloodbath, that, let’s face it: was and IS self-imposed. it’s pathetic really.

god, it’s difficult to change. the tornado has dissipated. its novocaine expired, and I am not unscathed. 

i’m tired of pretending it didn’t hurt. it doesn’t hurt. it isn’t broken.

solitude is glorious?

i was speaking with a friend about identity this evening. our conversation really resonated with me. 

nothing fits right now.

it’s like wearing a pair of jeans that are too tight.

all day long.

is this the part?

is this the part?

the part where i let go?

holding on to my last good day. i still feel you. i see your hands.

but it’s rotting there inside.

open white knuckled fists

i will not sink. 

 

“I didn’t know what a brute I was 
I dipped my cigarette and rode the bus 
Vengeance built me hastily 
And I drag the clanging notion I was nobody, nobody 
Nobody 

All I had was my invention 
And my love invented on you 
Oh, look what thoughts can do 
What thoughts can do 
If you’re not by now dead and buried 
You’re most certifiably married 
Oh, married 

I’m sure you’re sleeping sound 
With a mistress of the hours 
The hours that grind your life to dust 

Oh, easy loves 
You keep like pets 
Denied them you are powerless 
Whatever keeps you sleeping through the night 

I’m not the man you thought I was 
My love has never lived indoors 
I had to drag it home by force 
Hired hounds at both my wrists 
Damp and bruised by stranger’s kisses on my lips 
But you’re the one that I still miss 
You’re the one that I still miss 
And it’s ruthless that it comes as no surprise 

I’m not the man you think I am 
I’m not the man you think I am”

~neko case

i.love.my.dog.

crash

I wrecked my bike this weekend. 

how do you heal a busted knee?

give it air.

and sun.

don’t pick it.

let it heal.

 

how do you heal a busted heart?

same.

.

.

 

I made my place by the door.
I didn’t know what I was waiting for.
Felt just like home.
Except no grass, no yard, no pictures.

I could see across to the park.
And there were friends, they were laughing hard.
They looked just like my own.
With no face, no name, no voice I’d know.

I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.

I met someone at the bar.
He had a great smile and a great heart.
He felt just like love.
Except no fear of losing, and it wasn’t tough.

I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
I finally made it.
I made a clean getaway.
And I miss you,
I miss you every single day.

~Maria Taylor

don’t let this fading summer pass you by

slumber gifts images of fears and sorrows as of late.

studio patiently woos me back to her.

mustering,

the courage to go and

unearth the ends. tie them once again.

 

 

neko has been massaging the soul:

“Magpie comes a calling 
Drops a marble from the sky 
Tin roof sounds alarm 
And wake up child 
Let this be a warning says the magpie to the morning 
Don’t let this fading summer pass you by 
Don’t let this fading summer pass you by 

Black hands held so high 
The vulture wheels and dives 
Something on the thermals 
Yanked his chain 
Smelled your boring apex 
Rotting on the train tracks 
He laughed under his breath 
Because you thought that you could outrun sorrow 
Take your own advice 
Thunder and lightening gets you rain 
Run an airtight mission, a Cousteau expedition 
To find a diamond at the bottom of the drain 
A diamond at the bottom of the drain 

Hear the mocking bird sing 
In the middle of the night 
All of his songs are stolen so he hides 
Stole them out from whiporwills 
Screaming car alarms 
He sings them for you special 
He knows you’re afraid of the dark 
Come on sorrow 
Take your own advice 
Hide under the bed 
Turn out the light 
Stars this night in the sky are ringing out 
You can almost hear them saying 
“Close your eyes now kid” 
“Close your eyes now kid” 

Morning is too far lit 
They are waiting 
Waiting 
They are waiting”

“Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on”

‘i don’t know if I will ever understand this Ache. Perhaps it is simply and completely Love and what HAPPENS. at the end. Loss. ~sabrina ward harrison

a lie.

a departure.

silence.

 the climax after four years. I think the most difficult part is the silence. merely an ache that can’t be extinguished.

 i don’t feel brave right now.

 

toby and i strolled to a nearby field where we met a vibrant group and their beloved companions. was kissed by a buttery soft wriggling puppy. watched two little girls giggle, their tiny hands cupped to whisper into each others ears. a neighbor knelt in my front yard and uncovered delicate, furrowy sheets filled with drawings he had been laboring over. as i knelt to join him, i felt humbled that this person i had only met me a few times would so openly share his work. that seems to be the norm around here in my new surroundings.

the evenings breath is cool and scented of fire.

it’s time for something great!

i didn’t expect to be heartbroken today. again. but alas…i am. and i’m okay with it. the flood of panic and tears having subsided, it is time for something great. stay tuned…it’s going to get good. I’ve always had a romantic notion of living, of walking through each day miraculously, in awe. It gets lost in the day to day or in the sad. the truth is: i forgot. here goes nothing. art everyday, smiling and being thankful. meeting new exciting people to have adventures with. this heartache is a different one this time. the end of a long painful story, and the beginning of the rest. i can’t wait!